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cold, goes, libertines, love

May 2007



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May. 8th, 2007

cold, goes, libertines, love

Tuesday 8th May 2007 [Lately...]

... Ive been feeling kind of weird. Just, like a transitional feeling, or something. Like waiting. Waiting and waiting, but nothing is coming. I'm just waiting for something bad to happen around now. Everything is going so well right about now. I don't have to work, the internet works, I get good grades, my mother is not mad at me... Its such a bad feeling; worse than actually having done anything. Anticipating something bad is much worse.


May. 6th, 2007

cold, goes, libertines, love

Sunday 6th May 2007 [Recently...]

... I learned how to hold back my anger. And I am so angry at the moment. Its not possible to express the anger that I feel at the moment. But I'm calm, and collected, and I didnt flip, and I didnt shout. I lay my head back, banged it against the wall a few times, and decided to get over it.
Im sick, and I have a killer headache. I have a cough, a throat ache, my nose is blocked and my eyes are watering. I have school tomorrow, one project, one homework, a test, a friend that Im extremely annoyed at (Nour) and a friend that has just left for two weeks.
My brothers annoying voice woke me up yesterday, 6:00, sharp. I have to go to work apparently. I work until 5:00.
Sunday. Same procedure, but now, the project has gotten more pressing, my headache has gotten worse, and im still working.
I get off work at 3:00. I get to do physics. Well thats one positive thing. And by this time Ive actually decended to such a weak state of mind, where the physics project actually looks quite attractive. And thats saying something. Im a proud member of the (extremely-) lazy club after all. I get into the physics project. I finish, and think to myself. Wow, I did all of this stuff, while being depressed about a friend leaving, being angry at a friend, having a monster cold, and working. Now, I decide, is the time I will devote to properly doing what I do best: nothing.
My mother sticks her head in the door (without knocking, which is enough to warrant an eff-off from me normally) and looks critically at my desk, wrinkles her nose, looks away, as if this is just "too stressy" for her today, and reminds me, in the parentally patented "you've been lazing the whole day, while we've been working, and Im just asking for this ONE thing, and you can't do it?" voice:
"Look at this mess, you know, Ive been up since four this morning?"
- I stay silent at this point, as I try desperately to stay sane/calm.
"Clean up NOW." She says exasperatedly, and stares at me expectantly.
- This is the point in time at which I bang my head. Twice.
- " Jaaaa, Ich machs schon...!" The exclamation mark was only in my mind.
- She goes.
I feel like tearing the place up just in spite of what she just said.
My desk was dirty? What... really? I was doing a project, you generally do projects on desks... or am I mistaken. I just didnt clean up right away. So what. I was going to. But that wasnt the worst part. The worst part was the thing about the working. You worked from four? Well, I didnt, but I worked from six. And ive got a cold, a ton of work, some internal issues, and can I remind everyone what students generally do on weekends?
And I dont even complain about work, I just do it. A lot of people would bitch and moan and whatever. But I dont. And then, when at last, I get to do nothing for once, she throws that in my face. Like I havnt been working. Like ive just been sitting around. Well I should have been, but noooo, I wasnt. I was working. Just like you.